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SEO Basics

Site not found. Maybe I should connect to the internet first.

Site not found. Maybe I should connect to the internet first.

How are people supposed to find your site through search engines amid the millions of other websites populating the information super highway? This article explains the basics of SEO to people who know what the term means, but aren’t sure exactly what it is or how it works. When thinking about how SEO works, the best way to look at it is this: Google wants to promote legitimate, unique, high-quality, reputable websites, and filter out spammed sites, filler content, and low quality sites.

The relevance of your site to a given set of search terms is determined by keywords pulled from your content. As long as your site’s text content — in page titles, file names, meta tags, and site content — is articulated appropriately to the search terms your audience would choose, then this part should be straightforward. Web designers are aware of these basics.

Google measures a site’s “reputation” by the quantity and quality (reputation) of backlinks, or inbound links coming from other sites. This is similar to Facebook’s “like” button. A site’s “reputation,” or authority, then determines a site’s placement on the search results page for given key words. Everyone wants to increase their sites ranking on the search results page, because the top sites receive exponentially more hits than lower sites.

Manipulating a site’s ranking in the search results is where SEO gets complicated. It involves keeping up with Google’s methodological changes and second guessing the Google algorithm. It is an esoteric and fast-paced industry that has become the domain of internet marketing companies and code-savvy internet marketers.

Most businesses rightfully stay away from this technical field, which can get murky with questionable methods and ethical debates. The bottom line for most companies is to increase their search engine results while maintaining ethical marketing standards. This is the safest way to ensure that sites don’t get penalized by Google.

On-site SEO means making sure your site is well-designed, containing text that is appropriate to your site’s concept. It is important to make sure the main idea, product, or service of your site is articulated clearly within the text portions of your web pages. This includes page titles, meta tags, and site content. Google only reads text, so text conatined inside of images does not get read, but the image pop-up captions can be read by the Google bot. Web designers are generally aware of these requirements.

Google attempts to filter out those who would manipulate the system, so two-way linking tends not to help, and can even hurt site rankings. Circular linking, where a group of sites link one direction, in a circle, also gets penalized. Link farms, or sites which only exist to provide backlinks to other sites, don’t really help either. Networks of sites which interlink to one another get demoted, duplicate content gets demoted, as does any other activity which could indicate subversive SEO manipulation.

Keeping up with the inner workings of the SEO field tends to be a highly competitive, technical, and time-consuming endeavor, best left to tech gurus.

As long as your site is well-designed and your content clearly articulates your site’s function, internet marketing is a matter of reputation-building and customer outreach, by means of the various new media channels.

The Shape of the Internet

The internet is a stacked -- or ranked -- bell curve. It's a long way to the top, and you have to compete against others to get there.

The internet is a stacked — or ranked — bell curve. It’s a long way to the top, and you have to compete against others to get there.

Internet Space has been shaped by Google. The form it takes is defined by Google’s linear information-representation interface (i.e., an inflexible linear hierarchy of search results as opposed to an interface that’s more intuitive, user-friendly, user-modifiable, and complete, such as a visual representation of the totality of search results which can be filtered and altered by the individual user…say, I want to exclude Facebook and Wikipedia, and Google represents the search results graphically in something like a graph or pie chart…) and the algorithm it uses to sort these results into a one-dimensional vertical line.

Google’s formula organizes the internet into a logarithmic (i.e., exponential, where the difference among sites’ SEO power is in orders of magnitude) hierarchy (specifically I speak of the Page Rank variable, which many see as important, and many others see as less important), according to an article by Smashing Magazine. What this means is that all pages are organized into tiers of a pyramid, essentially, which are orders of magnitude more or less “important” on the hierarchy. My blog, for example, with its zero backlinks etc., has a Page Rank of zero, so another, more popular blog with a Page Rank of one is an order of magnitude higher than mine, so if we were competing for search terms, I would lose every time.

Smashing Magazine said that the logarithm is base six, I think, but that doesn’t matter for small businesses and lay people. What matters is the fact that the internet’s space’s shape is defined by an exponential curve.

Therefore, in order to visualize internet space, draw a right or isosceles triangle, divide into ten tiers, the very top being Google, the very bottom being RAW English, and you have a basic concept of how Google divides up its search results. And since Google is the gatekeeper for the internet for everyone in the universe except people in China who use baidu or bandu or whatever it’s called who cares because it’s not America the Great, this is how to visualize the shape of internet space. BTW, take the Google tier and draw a little eye in it like on the dollar bill, just for some conspiracy fun.

One problem with this model, however, is that while it gives a very, very rough representation of the virtual real estate, i.e., the number of sites occupying each tier of the hierarchy, it gives an opposite conceptualization of the traffic flow, page authority, backlinks, etc. The purpose of this exercise, of course, is to allow you and me to accurately, if simplistically, conceptualize the shape of the internet as it is organized by Google, the only search engine that matters. So to get a picture of the number of visitors to each site and all that, overlay an upside down triangle on top of the first one.

Divide the triangle into tiers and now you have one triangle that represents the hierarchy of the virtual real estate of the various web domains in orders of magnitude, and another triangle which visually represents the space they occupy in the minds of the surfers (the amount of exposure, traffic volume, etc).

Another good way to visualize this would be to draw one rightside-up right triangle, and another upside down one next to it, using crayons or crayola to color code the different types of space. The bottom tier of the upside-down pyramid would represent the small number of visitors to RAW English and other no-name blogs, for example, and the bottom tier of the rightside-up one would represent the large number of no-name websites.

Disclaimer: I don’t do math. The most accurate representation would likely be a triangle with an exponential curve for the hypotenuse that is wide at the base and shoots up very sharply the higher you get and becomes extremely narrow towards the top.

 

Copywriting as Problem Solving

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Copywriting can solve many problems, but not all of them

In another article, I explained how copywriting is text that is designed to communicate a specific idea. Often, that idea is intended to catalyze a sale. The intent is to persuade the reader to buy something.

The idea behind the text, whatever it may be, is typically part of a marketing strategy, designed to solve a particular problem. Obama’s first presidential campaign adopted the slogan, “Change we can believe in.” This message was specifically designed to convey an idea that would solve Obama’s problem: how to win the election by persuading the majority of voters to vote for him. The idea was the axis of his persuasive argument that eventually won him the election. Political language is one of the most prominent places we can see copywriting as problem solving.

But copywriting-as-problem-solving is everywhere, and it permeates the internet. Most of the problems that need solving in this new marketplace are business problems, such as making a sale, or providing information to the reader. Informative articles often serve the larger aim of convincing the reader to become loyal to a certain entity. Oftentimes we will see articles that appear informative, but are actually plugs for a particular product or service. Though this type of copywriting works on certain demographics, it is very tacky and turns off many readers.

Companies that wish to develop solid relationships with their customers tend to avoid this ineffective combination of marketing and sales. Quality copywriting should communicate its idea and solve its problem without being obtuse. This type of copywriting reminds me of people who use duct tape to patch up a broken car window. It’s certainly not the most effective way of solving a problem.

Copywriting & the Craft of Persuasion

110728_0208_3The aim of copywriting is to communicate a specific idea. Like designers, copywriters work both creatively and logically to solve a problem. They design appropriate text that will communicate their targeted ideas to the reader. “Objects in the mirror are closer than they appear” and “just do it” both communicate a specific concept to the reader. The former relates a specific scientific fact, whereas the second, like a political slogan, communicates an emotional message. Though the second is less tangible than the first, it has a specific goal: to evoke a specific reaction in the reader. Both use text to communicate specific ideas.

Copywriting is everywhere. It is in political language, legal language, marketing language, the text on food lables, and street signs. Unlike more subjectively interpreted forms of writing, such as poetry or literature, copywriting has the aim of communicating a specific, objective idea.

In the field of marketing, copywriting usually tries to make a sale. Whether it is landing page copy, a slogan, or a blog article, the bulk of copywriting is aimed at persuading the reader to buy something.

Since the advent of the world wide web, copywriters are often hired to write informative articles and web content. Online publication is virtually free, so anyone is free to express themselves on the web. Persuasive and informative copy has become a new commodity for businesses that wish to expand their internet marketing campaigns. High quality copywriting is vital to the development of a competitive internet marketing campaign.

Five Entrepreneurs that Built their Empires from the Ground Up

This is what money looks like in outer space

Many of the world’s most successful entrepreneurs began their companies from garages, basements, or even a church crypt, in the case of Richard Branson. These bootstrapping entrepreneurs are not always well-educated, but they often have things in common that other entrepreneurs can learn from. They often made their fortunes by taking risks that other businesses avoid, and they all persevere and work hard to overcome obstacles on their paths to success.

 

Steve Jobs

Perhaps the most famous bootstrapper of them all, Jobs began his technology career at Atari, where he and Steve Wozniak worked together to improve the Atari circuit board design. Jobs, the business man, motivated Wozniak to design the earliest machines and Apple prototypes in the late 1970s. Jobs worked out sales deals that would allow him to finance the growing company. With the income that Jobs helped secure, Wozniak was able to improve on each of the successive Apple computer designs, and by 1980, it was the second-largest home computer manufacturer in the world.

 

Bob Parsons

Parsons, the famous CEO and founder of GoDaddy.com and numerous other associated companies, began his working life in Baltimore, where he and his family struggled to make ends meet. After almost failing out of high school, Parsons served in the Marine Corps, obtained an accounting degree from the University of Baltimore, and then taught himself to program. He began Parsons Technology in his basement in 1984, which sold an accounting program called MoneyCount. Using direct mail marketing, Parsons grew the business over ten years into a business that eventually sold to Intuit for $64 million. His next business venture was GoDaddy.com, the number one hosting and registration company in the world.

 

Jeff Bezos

The founder of Amazon.com, Jeff Bezos, was a precocious child who spent his early years exploring the world and trying new things. As a toddler he tried to dismantle his crib, when he was a young child he jerry-rigged an alarm to keep his siblings out of his room, and turned his parents’ garage into a laboratory for science experiments. After a successful high school and college career, lack of support from investors prompted him to quit his job and set up Amazon in his garage. Bezos has gone on to fund other companies and win numerous awards for his entrepreneurial vision.

 

Sam Walton

The famous business leader who began Wal-Mart and Sam’s club began his career as a salesman at JC Penney, where his slipshod bookkeeping almost got him fired. After a stint in the army during World War II, he returned to support a wife and child. With what little money he had, and some money borrowed from his wife’s father, he purchased a Ben Franklin’s variety store, where he established the fundamental principles that would make Wal-Mart a national success: consistently low prices. Through the fifties and sixties, after a few bumps in the road, Walton purchased a number of variety stores and opened his first Wal-Mart in 1962, and the rest is history.

 

Was the Virgin Empire born in a crypt? Only Branson really knows. And the people who read his autobiography.

Was the Virgin Empire born in a crypt? Only Branson really knows.
And the people who read his autobiography.

Richard Branson

The founder of the Virgin empire began a mail order record company in the crypt of a church, where he had already been distributing his magazine called The Student. By advertising through his startup magazine, Branson’s record business boomed quickly, and he opened a record store in London in 1971, then began Virgin Records in 1972. Signing on “risky” bands such as Sex Pistols and obscure bands such as Faust and Can brought Branson tremendous success, and over the next several years, Branson expanded his group of companies to more than 400.

Part 2: How to Quit Your Life, Become an Expat, and Live the Life of Your Dreams: Google Operators

Welcome back, let’s go ahead and dive into

 

Part 2: How To Use Google Operators to Search for Jobs in Other Countries.

Lost? Let Google Operators help you find your way.

Lost? Let Google Operators help you find your way.

Instead of searching for company websites, like we did last time, we’ll look for blogs with some new search operators. After thinking about my last article, I thought that it may have been a little tech-heavy for the less techy of whoever might come across this, so we’ll keep the operators simple this time.

Just use the “~” symbol (which finds similar terms) in front of any search term so you don’t have to use multiple pipes to get variations of a word (though I’ve noticed that Google has started sneakily raking in similar terms to standard searches anyway).

What we’re going to do is keep running with the whole copywriting in Japan bit, and look for blogs as a source of ideas, jobs, company links…i.e., we’re looking for blogs that can be used as resources in a few ways we can think of and in ways we can’t think of yet.

Search these:

blogs ~copywriting inurl:co.jp

blogs ~freelance ~writer inurl:co.jp

blogs ~english ~writing inurl:co.jp

blogs ~editor inurl:co.jp

Open all links of interest with ctrl+click. Then repeat the searches without the word “blogs,” opening all links of interest in new tabs (ctrl+click). And then repeat the searches again with “blogs,” and click on the “more” button, then click “blogs,” which will only bring up blogs in the search results. Ctrl+click links of interest. Repeat the search without “blogs” and then click the “more” and “blogs” buttons.

Massive results in just a couple minutes.

Focus on the bigger picture

Focus on the bigger picture when researching

See how easy that was? While Google is still an utterly primitive database query system — utterly, utterly primitive and ridiculous — its crudity will still serve up mostly relevant results, some of the time.

The inability to save preferences or refine or interact with our search results in any meaningful way is just woeful beyond belief, and SEO monsters are still everywhere in the search results. Just see all the online psychology degree websites. Unbelievable. Google’s algorithm is so far in the ice ages and the company should really give users a preference interface so we have control over fine tuning our own results through sophisticated search parameters and criteria that appear as part of a GUI (Graphical User Interface).

But I digress.

The expat blogs I’ve mentioned elsewhere, for example, are a prime resource for someone looking for a job in a foreign country. Not because it lists jobs, but because it shows you what people actually do for work and how they live as expats in foreign countries. And some of them are specifically geared to help other expat wannabes who wanna make it work.

By adding the blog dimension to our Google research, we are adding a new avenue to our research method. There are other methods to pursue, and ways to keep updated on our research, which we’ll get into later. This type of job market research analysis helps profile an industry, and, in the long run, gives us information which will contribute to our authority in our chosen field.

 

That’s all for this week’s episode of How to Quit Your Life, Become an Expat, and Live the Life of Your Dreams. Next week, or whenever, maybe, I’ll get into things like designing your website’s architecture so Google crawls it properly, how to perform lateral keyword-stuffing, how to conceptualize your content marketing, and how to go clothes shopping on Kao San.

 

How to Quit Your Life, Travel the World, Become an Expat, and Live the Life of Your Dreams: Google Research

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Bangkok

I suppose I will never tire of internet marketing satire. Yet in my informative humor lies buried a grain of truth, and from that grain can sprout a cornucopia of knowledge.

So You Want to Travel the World

First, make sure you have something to offer the world, such as a job skill or a pretty face. If you don’t have a job skill, then teach English. Once you figure out what you bring to the table, it’s time to quit your life.

Do that by throwing away every material thing you don’t need. Determine what you don’t need by creating a mathematical function that balances your estimated away time (EAT) and the estimated cost of storage (ECS) against the estimated cost of replacement (ECR). Use a spreadsheet to plot a line graph where EAT is a function of time, and your ECR is the inverse of your ECS.The point where ECS and ECR cross paths is what tells you what to throw away and what to keep.

If you have a free place to put your stuff, then don’t worry about it.

The next step is to quit your job, then hop a plane, and get a job.

That’s all there is to quitting your life, really. Getting the job is where the fun begins.

image002How I Do Google Research to Look for Jobs in a Foreign Country

Very few people understand how to do research with Google, so I will explain some basics.

First, it needs to be understood that Google research is a methodology, or a way of searching, it is not just a matter of putting in a couple stupid searches and seeing what comes up. If you want to research jobs, don’t be lazy and just click the top link for the top search for whatever, wherever.

Google is a database that accepts queries, which you can modify. A query is a search string. For instance, “copywriter Tokyo” reveals pages that have those keywords in the title, the body, and/or the URL of web pages. There’s not a lot there, which can mean a few things: there’s not a lot of competition for copywriters in Tokyo, there’s not much demand, they don’t know how to use the internet there for localized internet marketing, they use other methods of marketing, the search time needs tweaking, and so forth. Of course, part of the challenge of searching the internet for jobs in Japan is that most of the geotargeted search engine marketing will be done in Japanese.

So we’re going to keep going with this scenario. Let’s say you want to be a copywriter in Tokyo, either working for a company or freelance.

 

Crap. I had just finished writing this whole post and then I lost over 500 words and have to start back here.

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Job Market Research with Google Operators

Anyways, it’s a jungle out there, so we’re going to use Google search operators to narrow our search. An operator is a modifier that you include in your search to omit results, group terms together, specify where your search terms appear in the results, and so forth. If you include “-” before a term, for instance, results that include that term will be omitted. Before beginning hard core searching, go into your search settings and turn off the “show results as you type,” a seriously annoying feature that won’t let you put 100 results per page, which is you need to do. This way you’re getting ten pages of results at once.

Now let’s expand our search with an OR operator, the pipe:

copywriting|copywriter tokyo

This brings up pages with either “copywriter” or “copywriting” and Tokyo. Boolean logic at its finest.

I find it is better to do all my searches at once, then sift through the piles later. Ctrl+clicking opens up the searches in a new tab. Once I’ve opened up all the interesting looking links in new tabs, I can ctrl+tab between them rapidly.

Now, we can ctrl+N to open a new window, and begin a new search.

copywriting|copywriter|editing|proofreading|”web content” inurl:co.jp

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It’s a jungle out there

This strings a lot of OR operators together, groups “web content” as a single term that must occur together, and specifies that “co.jp” appear in the destination URL, i.e., that it has to be a Japanese .com site. This search produces a few interesting results, but “editing” brings up too many photography- and videography-related links, so knock that out, along with “web content,” and a better stream comes up. Searches for english language inurl:.co.jp also brings up many useful results.

And so on and so forth. The “link:” operator can tell which sites link to a url, so “link:www.shogakukan.co.jp english” will bring up sites that link to this one. Including “english” weeds out Japanese language sites. “Related:” is an operator will bring up sites similar to the one specified. A “~” symbol attached to the front of a term is another very useful operator, that brings up searches similar to specified term.

So after all the useful sites are bookmarked and scanned, we can move on to other methods, such as using Facebook to find jobs. Searching for keywords from your Facebook search box will bring up relevant Facebook pages, which then link to their websites, and so forth.

Other standard venues for job searches include craigslist, classifieds in English language media outlets, and local job sites, which can be found through Google research. Expat blogs are also highly useful sources of information.

Doing Internet Research in Other Countries

Clearly, there are language barriers (for those who don’t speak the language) and often technological barriers to doing Google research in other countries, but internet research is a good first step for those interested in tapping in to foreign job markets.

Well, that’s all the time we have for this week’s episode of How to Quit Your Life, Travel the World, Become an Expat, and Live the Life of Your Dreams. This episode has been brought to you by keywords such as Google research, internet research, become an expat, and how to quit your life. Other major sponsors include a bunch of bold words and high quality web content.

The Canadian Housing Bubble: Crash Landing or Gentle Touchdown?

stock-exchange-77253_640Falling numbers throughout the Canadian housing industry and dire predictions from economists have set off warning bells that the housing bubble burst could signal a housing market crash, or worse. Condo sales in Toronto have fallen by 30%, Victorian home sales are down 22%, Vancouver’s Olympic Village has a hundred overvalued luxury homes that sit empty, and predictions suggest that new home purchases will drop by 27% from last year to a mere 15% this year. The next two years, according to the Canadian Association of Accredited Mortgage Professionals, will see a 25-30% drop in sales, resulting in 150,000 industry-related job losses.

 

The backlash is already hitting the construction market, which has seen new home constructions drop for the third month in a row. The construction industry employs seven percent of Canadian workers, and some economists feel that the housing industry alone could push Canada into a recession. According to <i>The Economist</i>, the Canadian bubble has been part of the larger Western housing bubble, which has already burst in Ireland and America.

 

Soft or Hard Landing?

 

Many hope that the falling numbers indicate a gentle deflation of housing prices. Other recent implosions, such as that in America a few years ago, were exacerbated by America’s faulty system of mortgage finance. With a more solid system backing their loans, Canadians have less incentive to just walk away, according to some.

 

However, the timing for the burst could not be worse. Right now, the global economy is in a precarious position. The American debt crisis and the European debt crisis, compounded by the sluggish Asian economy, could only compound Canada’s oncoming economic woes. If external forces help tip tip the wave and cause it to break, the decline in the housing industry could push the entire economy into a recession.

 

130309_0989Economists frequently repeat the mantra that bubbles always burst, but when they do, they take equity and jobs with them. China and Spain have recently seen vacated luxury apartment complexes and condos – the same kind which are being currently built in Canada for a shrinking housing market – that now sit as dead weight in their housing sector. The Japanese housing bubble that burst in 1991 dropped back below its starting point, so a similar pattern could be expected for the Canadian housing bubble.

 

If the backlash in the housing industry continues to affect the construction sector and ripple back into other industries, Canada could be in for a America-sized recession. Predictions see job losses totaling several hundred thousand. Average debt levels for Canadians are higher than they were when America crashed, and a nation of over-leveraged homeowners is hardly in a position hold off a serious economic tumble. A spiral into another recession is not out of the realm of possibility.

 

Barring a massive downward pull from America, though, or other global economies, a soft landing may allow a retracted and weakened Canadian economy to weather the storm. Canadian banks predict the housing market will land softly, and some in the housing say that the slowdowns in sales do not indicate an upcoming crash. With any luck, the bubble will just fade slowly and give the rest of the economy the time it needs to adapt to the slowdowns.

Google iTravel: The Only Right Way to Travel

IMG_0607Let Google’s algorithm take care of all your travel needs.

In a few decades, Google’s algorithm will power the world’s infrastructure and life will be an efficiency as smooth and seamless as glass. Cars will drive themselves and save countless lives, you will never have to wait in line because your reservations have been made, your banking will be done online, your groceries will be delivered to your house, and your electronic butler, iJeeves, will have conveniently planned your vacation in Hawaii during a sunny week with only one partly cloudy day.

Your travel package around Hawaii will begin with a four-day stay in Kauai, where you will go snorkling, scuba diving, and take one surfing lesson. In the afternoons, you will drink two pina coladas with umbrellas, some authentic Hawaiian barbecue fried rice served by authentic Hawaiians that still live on the island, and an additional margarita on the third day, because your biomonitor predicts that by then you will have loosened up slightly. Your biomonitor already knows you will ask it for a fourth, and in accordance with its pre-programmed “personality,” it will admonishingly — like a parental unit — say, “Just this once.”

IMG_0635The stay in Kauai will be followed by two days in Maui, where you can look at sharks through the bottom of a boat and your children can go play in a supervised water park, while you have some romantic time with your wife, who will be flown out from her work that very morning. You will stay in the top floor of a hotel where, according to WeatherBot’s calculations, as long as you are all back in the room by 6:21 pm, you will be able to record video of a gorgeous sunset with your Google Lenses.

Sunset will end just before dinner, and steaks will have been pre-ordered. A Kobe cow has already been reserved. The cow will be slaughtered the day before and flown out to be grilled up and served at exactly 7:30 pm by authentic Hawaiian peoples, enough time for you and your wife to shower before the meal.

Google calculates that you will have time for a quickie, but that’s it. Your Google-powered iJeeves 3.0 has already analysed the behaviour patterns of your children, and knows that they will be too stimulated to do anything but play violent Glass Games at the dinner table.

IMG_0636After dinner on the balcony, Google projects that you and your wife may have time for one more quick one, depending on when you all finish desert. Google is aware of your “bedroom issues,” and has a dose of Viagram 5.8 waiting in your biomonitor if the need should arise. Then your wife must catch her overnight flight back to the daily grind, and, despite your vows to stay off the Net, you will sneak your Google Lens into your eye and catch up on correspondence until 1:30 in the morning.

The stress from work will have disrupted your next morning slightly, but not to worry, your Google BioMonitor v2.7z has accounted and planned for this, far, far in advance. Tomorrow’s chemical patches includes a mild anti-anxiety agent, to be saved for that very morning. As usual, your morning patch will allow you to relax and enjoy a nice breakfast of two eggs over easy, with toast and strawberry jam, and your authentic, 3d-printed Ethiopian Brand™ coffee.

The seamless and beautiful vacation package will end after a “free day,” where you and your children are permitted to roam around Waikiki as you like. Of course, you will all be wearing your Google Lenses, so you will certainly be finding the best recommendations of “authentic local” sites and restaurants to visit. A list of recommendations has been prepared in case you are at a loss.

The plane ride back will land in LAX at exactly 6:07 am, and an AutoTaxi will drop your children at home, so iJeeves can ready them for school. Traffic predictions indicate that you will arrive at work just before 7:30, enough time for you to settle in. Your coffee maker will have your half-caff double latte prepared and waiting.

 

IMG_0672While your plane is banking for its final approach into the airport, you will wake up, as if from a bad dream that you can’t quite remember. You will look down over the city of LA, which has doubled in size since the early part of the century. Far to the south and east, you will be able to see the LA Sprawl, a shanty town populated by the millions who cannot afford your lifestyle, let alone food or drinking water.

To avoid the guilt, you remind yourself that you are a dutiful lifehacker. You and your wife work very hard to stay profitable and relevant in this changing world. Your family is lucky to have survived the Crash at all…

“Google,” you will say to interrupt these dour thoughts, “play the latest Superman.” And your Google Lenses will go dark, shielding you from the sight. The latest version of the Superman legacy will begin to play — a thankful distraction.

You will look forward to seeing your children that night for almost a whole thirty minutes before they go to bed, and then relaxing with a glass of pinot grigio in front of the X-Cube while iJeeves tucks them in and reads them a bed-time story.

Visions of the shanty town will still be nagging at your brain, so Google’s biomonitor has taken the liberty of saving a final dose of anti-anxiety to coincide with your glass of wine.

Google predicts that you will only finish a third of the glass before drifting off to a dreamless sleep.

Google knows that your wife will come home, exhausted, to find you still asleep, with a 92.3% chance that your arm will still be resting on the chairside table, fingers still gently wrapped around the stem of the glass. Google knows that your wife will be touched by a feeling of sorrow mixed with love for you, her lovely husband, whom she so rarely has time to see, and that with an impulse of tenderness, she will gently take the glass from your listless fingers, set it on the kitchen counter, and wrap a blanket around your sleeping shoulders.

Google knows your wife will do this, and will consequently prevent your iJeeves from performing these same actions.

Google will do this for you because Google research has proven that human love is the only variable keeping its algorithm relevant.